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Being Confident |
| Posted on Oct 26 2009 |
How many people can think of a situation where a lack of confidence kept them from achieving something important to them? Have you ever been too nervous to initiate a conversation with someone you were attracted to, only to watch someone else walk across the room and take your place, or cancelled a date because you felt you were lacking in some way? Do you fear rejection to the point where the very idea of dating makes you go cold? If you have realised that confidence is an issue for you and it is preventing you from pursuing or enjoying a relationship, then this may be sounding very familiar.
Self confidence can be elusive for many, and a great proportion of those who seek counselling and psychotherapy or hypnotherapy are suffering from a lack of self confidence of some kind. Lack of confidence can of course be caused by many factors, but is a surprisingly common issue. The great news is that self confidence can be acquired, and here are 7 simple tips that could help…
Be proud
We’re all different, be proud of who you are. If you’re a vegetarian whose main interest is going to rock gigs, then why pretend you’re happiest at home eating steak and listening to r n’ b? Yet people do just this kind of thing, all the time. They often try to make themselves more attractive to their date by making assumptions about what is appealing to the person they’re meeting. When I see clients with self-confidence issues, I often remark that they worry about conforming to a certain ideology, that they feel they ought to fit a certain mould. What’s really fascinating is that the ideology varies hugely from person to person, proving how we really are all different and that the preconception exists only in the mind of the individual.
In taking pride in being the interesting, unique person you are, others will see not only the real you, but the positive you, and what could be a more appealing image to project? Be proud of your interests and hobbies, your personality, values and lifestyle, no matter how ordinary or unusual they may seem to you, and let your date worry about whether you are right for them. After all, are you dating in order to find a suitable partner for others or for you?
Be a model
Next time you’re in a room with someone you witness as possessing a confidence you do not feel, take a few minutes to look at what they do. How do they stand, what is their posture when they are seated? How do they use their body to convey their confidence? Watch their facial expressions and listen carefully to the language, tone and pace of their words. How do they react to meeting someone new, or to a potential conflict? There is a wealth of information to be garnered from this simple exercise.
An outwardly confident person may or may not feel how you feel (how would you know?) but what might be different is how they portray themselves to others. What resources do they possess that make them different from you? No more resources than you in fact. As human beings we are all capable of experiencing the same range of emotions and carrying out the same actions. By examining how others achieve an appearance of confidence, we can model their strategies. And if we can model it, we can be it. By altering our physical state and behaviour, we feed back to our brains that this is how we are feeling.
Be flawed
If there is one theme that recurs in counselling sessions with clients, it is the theme of perfectionism. As I conduct session after session with attractive, personable, compassionate and intelligent clients, I wonder why it is that as human beings we are often drawn to focusing on the minor faults we all possess. We all know that no-one is perfect, right? And we accept others in our lives for their faults, or simply don’t notice them. And yet so many people spend their lives trying to be perfect themselves. Ask yourself, what is really so wrong with having small physical imperfections, or negative character traits? Each of those makes us unique, characterful but above all, human.
Consider a scar your boss might have on his cheek. Does it make him less capable? Or your best friend, would she be a better friend if she could sing perfectly? Don’t try to be a machine, and give yourself a break, just as you do others. You probably don’t even notice their flaws, so don’t focus on your own! If a date doesn’t go well, or a previous relationship doesn’t work out, learn from it by all means. Don’t give it more emphasis than it deserves or allow it to dictate that future encounters be blemished by it; instead learn to accept that sometimes life doesn’t always go quite according to plan, and it’s okay to get things wrong occasionally.
Be successful
Confident people hope for and expect the best from situations. The great thing about expecting the best is that you automatically feel positive and are more able to enjoy each situation for what it is. As human beings we are programmed to survive and move on, to live and learn as they say. We often focus on the negative – reliving our embarrassing or painful moments with clarity. How often do we pause to remember our successes? If you lack confidence perhaps you are used to focusing on the worst possible outcome.
Try visualising the best possible outcome of a situation, the moment where you’ve achieved your goal. How does that feel, what does it look like? Now play that scenario back and watch the events leading up to it unfold. Take a moment to really build that picture, and all the steps leading up to the successful outcome. Can you see what the important ingredients are? Can you hear the dialogue, experience the emotions and observe the behaviours? What can you learn about your visualised success?
Be relaxed
Learning to relax is something that can be difficult for many people. And when you’re already anxious, this can seem more difficult than usual. Learning to relax can be beneficial especially in situations where you’d usually feel anxious. Practise relaxation with deep breathing and visualising a peaceful situation such as lying on a deserted beach on a warm day, and focus on all the sensations around you – how the sun feels beating down feels on your skin, the sounds you can hear such as the sound of the water lapping at the shore, and notice how your heart rate and breathing slow.
In this relaxed state, now rehearse a situation that causes you to doubt yourself. Allow yourself to run through the scenario in this relaxed state. If at any point you begin to feel anxious again, play a song or another piece of music that makes you laugh in your mind as you play the scene again, or imagine something unlikely or silly happening. It’s physically impossible to experience two opposite feelings at once. Laughing releases tension and anchors a different feeling into the experience, meaning that you can go into the situation with this new expectation.
Be aware
Looking at the reasons for our lack of confidence can seem like a huge task, and for some it may be necessary to see a qualified counsellor or hypnotherapist in order to address those reasons. However, a simple but powerful exercise that you can do yourself is to make a note of the times where you lack confidence. Jot down the circumstances in which the situation occurred, who was there, what was said, how you felt. When you re-examine the details at a later stage and not whilst caught up in the emotion of the moment, can you see any clearer what happened? Was the encounter reminiscent of a previous time in your life which you found difficult? Does being around certain types of people cause you to experience this lack of confidence more than others?
It’s easy to allow past issues to affect us, even those stretching far back into childhood can have a knock-on effect. By becoming aware of what influences us, it is easier to gain some valuable perspective. If you declared your feelings to the first girl you ever had a crush on and she rejected you, then it’s understandable that you may feel reluctant to relive that experience. However, with the benefit of hindsight, does it necessarily follow that you will be rejected by every other girl you approach thereafter? This insight can help us to appreciate that our reactions are based on old memories rather than logic and change our thinking accordingly.
Be open to possibilities
I remember a time many years ago as a teenager being dragged along kicking and screaming (almost literally) to a well-known West End musical, protesting that it wasn’t cool and I’d hate it. Fast forward a few hours as I sat enthralled and discovered much to my astonishment that not only did I not hate it, but I actually loved it. I am sure everyone has been in situations where they’ve expected the worst, and been pleasantly surprised. Life is full of pleasant surprises and most of what we dread never actually becomes a reality.
Next time you are faced with a situation which you are unsure about, ask yourself, what would be so bad or irretrievable if something went wrong? A first date not going so well or a new relationship not working out can teach you a lot about yourself and your needs. We limit our experiences by avoiding situations in which we do not know the outcome or which feel a bit daunting, yet in almost all cases when we do, we live to tell the tale!
If some of the self confidence issues discussed here strike a chord with you and you want to break free from those feelings of frustration and the restrictions that a lack of confidence places upon your life, then perhaps it’s time to initiate change. Maybe you’ve remarked how different an outcome could have been had you just possessed more self belief. Whereas the above won’t necessarily transform you instantly into the person you want to be, hopefully it will provide some building blocks to enable you to develop your confidence further. Confidence lies within us all, all it takes is a willingness to search for it.
You can be that confident person walking across the room to meet their date!
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Last changed: Mar 19 2010 at 11:23 AM
Back This website and its contents are owned by N. Bearryman. The website and its content are protected by copyright law and other related intellectual property rights. N. Bearryman asserts her moral right to be identified as the author whenever her articles are copied or distributed by any means. All copy on this website may not be reproduced without the permission of N. Bearryman. Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape Bookmark and Share